I’m doing okay. A number of ailments, physical and otherwise, but that’s okay too. Pondering a new sensibility, or new to me anyway. I am an acquired taste. You don’t like me? That’s okay. Go someplace else then and acquire some taste.

Selah.

Appendix:

You know what? I can’t leave it like this. Been something nagging at me and I didn’t figure out what it was until I was in the shower just now. Sometimes the thoughts don’t come until I’m removed from the digital life support. Shitting or showering, that’s where the clarity comes. If I can’t shit more I need to shower more. Or I could just unplug the electronics.

Anyway, I was talking to my older boy yesterday about something or another and he admonished me gently and said he has been trying to focus on the positive around him rather than obsess on the negative. It only struck me then that this is a practice he’s had to pick up on his own. I am going to have to tell him some day.

You know what, kid? I’m really sorry because your mother and I never taught you to seek out the positive. We could blame the way we were raised maybe but somewhere we both got into the practice of always trying to find the dark cloud in any silver lining. That’s kind of what drove us apart too, because I was the first of the two of us to start burning the fuck out, and when I was no longer able to do battle with the cold, hard world beside her, she rightfully felt betrayed. What I had really promised her was not for better or for worse. I promised to stand by her because shit was always worse. That’s not exactly the foundation of a healthy, lasting relationship.

But this is the thing, kid. I’m trying hard to focus on the positive too. Muscle memory is a bitch though, and it’s a solitary practice because I’ve driven away most everyone but the cynics and skeptics and they aren’t much help, you know? It’s not a blame game though. This is all on me.

I’m happy that you have found this path, and I’m here to tell you that it’s the way to go. I haven’t been a good example, but hopefully you can use me as that horrible warning. It gets a lot harder when you get older. Old habits are really a motherfucker to break. Don’t get caught in that rut. You are doing well. I’m really proud of you. It’s not just words either. I’m proud of you. It’s not that I’m going to take the blame for all your shit because you have to own your own, but you seem to be able to decide what that is and isn’t. It’s not something you got from me and I’m sure some of the lessons have been hard, but you seem to be getting it. Keep on going. Accept the world as it is. Sure, you can change what you can, but you stay positive and positive will stick to you. I’m proud. You’ve become a human being.

And I’m sure there are some other things that I’m going to have to tell him too, before it nags at me more than it already has that I haven’t.