I think the problem with courtship in western culture (and probably the reason that I’m so averse to it and so easily content to be alone) is that there is a fundamentally dishonest approach to it in regards to areas where we’re all most vulnerable. Those two areas are sexuality and emotions. We’ve compartmentalized them rather than integrated them into how we present ourselves.

Regarding the former, there are many who are more than content with the hook-up culture, and they’ll safeguard their emotions behind just plain, mechanical sex. They want “just this much intimacy” (because we all crave it) but not enough intimacy to put themselves in a vulnerable situation. They want to touch and be touched. They want to be regarded/validated as a viable, attractive person, and of course they want the release of orgasm, or many as the case may be.

Then for those who actually want to be in a relationship and be partnered, there is a different tack. They put their sexuality in a box and put the box behind a veil of intellect, humor, material success or whatnot. The problem is, I believe, is that the veil is often too opaque and they come off as one-dimensional. There is a part of us, perhaps just below the level of consciousness, that is actually looking for that spark and then not finding it, find something in the other person missing. Like… wow, there is a lot to this person but the attraction I feel is almost platonic, etc. Something is missing. It’s hidden. Or frankly, the word is repressed, and while it’s not repression in the ‘somehow damaged’ sense, it’s still repression.

It’s easy enough to see why people hold back with the sexuality. So many people are sexually immature that if you present a forward sexuality it’s misread. With men it’s most often read as just wanting to get laid and not appreciating the whole of the other, and sometimes that is the case anyway not matter what is presented. With women it’s often read as prurient, or “slutty.” We are most immature as a culture when it comes to female sexuality. So we just don’t seem to have ever been able to strike a balance where sexuality is concerned. We remain adolescent well into our adult lives.

Even sadder perhaps is how dishonest we are, or maybe are forced to be, about our needs for intimacy and connection beyond sex. We can be in circles where courtship is definitely the end goal, and somehow present ourselves as just detached and intellectually curious about what it might be like to be in a relationship. If you come right out and say, yes I want to connect with someone and fall head over heels in love with someone and spend the rest of my life with them, it is very usually read as desperation. You hear someone say that (or read it, as most of us in the West are browsing online dating sites) and what your mind registers is, “This person is too damn eager and they’re going to latch onto me before they even know who I am, and I could be just any old person they stumbled over. They’re going to objectify me in a non-sexual sense and that’s worse than being objectified in a sexual sense, blah blah blah.”

How much of the fear with this is based on experience? I’m not entirely sure. I’ve certainly had it happen, and then watched as a partner moved on immediately to another ‘true love’ and then another ‘true love.’ I’ve had friends who are consummate serial daters who move from one to the next, swearing that every new one is real and they know because they learned so much from the last one. I’ve probably been guilty of it myself though I hate the word guilty and it’s been a long, long time since I’ve done that jumping from situation to situation.

The bottom line is that our courtship rituals are just dishonest. Why do we have such problems talking about what we really need and want? Are we mature enough to even know? We sit down with friends from time to time, and this is very rare with men, and use words that should generally describe what we would truly want in our lives. The words often sound hollow though, like they’ve been picked up line by line from something we read somewhere and it sounded right. The lines of conversation are aired out tentatively, like we are explaining something we are unsure of or might not even understand. It’s hard for me to be a part of these conversations, either with groups of friends or even harder with a potential partner. I hear the words from a potential partner, and of course they’re invested in presenting themselves in a certain way (not sexually crave or emotionally desperate), and I just shut down.

Honestly, I don’t know what I can even express what I would be looking for myself if I were looking. What would I want? I suppose I would want exactly what primates of a supposedly higher order are wired for. I want physical and intellectual chemistry that creates an attraction that would create a dedication to putting in the work that is required to navigate each other and then life together. Maybe a combination of lust and respect because isn’t that what love and passion are about anyway? Passion by its very nature requires sacrifice and dedication mixed with fierce connectedness, right?

Is that what it is? I’m not sure, but none of us are ever going to get anything lasting and good by being dishonest. I’m going to put a disclaimer on this right now. These are random thoughts. Someone I know seems more eager for me to be partnered than I am myself, or maybe they want me to be in the mix to validate their own presence in the mix. I just don’t want to be anywhere that people can’t be genuine. Maybe there are just no safe spaces to be genuine.

I just don’t want to be anywhere with 800 lb. gorillas in the corner that nobody feels comfortable mentioning.