“There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away.” ~ Sherman Alexie

One day maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to quote this in context. To find the whole. This works for now. It seems true, at least insofar as it applies to what I’ve witnessed enough to come to believe that it’s true.

What’s the source of the pain though? Seems to me that we are all at a loss for any good reason to be here. Something big enough to convince ourselves that there is a purpose that identifies each of us, or all of us. The pain seems to be the fear that this is all there really is and the guilt that it doesn’t feel like enough. An old woman cornered me once on a stoop across from the Greenwood Cemetery and told me to make two lists every single day. Or as many times a day as it takes to work.

1. Make a gratitude list.
2. Make list of things I like about myself.

That second one is hard if you feel guilty about not finding anything on any given day to be grateful for. Guilt is a merciless bitch and will make you feel like a right piece of shit. Guilt is a pain that will drive you to great lengths to find relief for.

Sherman Alexie got knocked on his ass, and righteously, by the #metoo Movement. Doesn’t make anything he said less true, but it sure hurt. I didn’t know I was still looking for heroes until a few of my heroes were exposed as deeply flawed. But it still doesn’t make anything he said less true or less valuable. The above quote could be read as pretty bleak. Or it could just shift the paradigm. Forgiveness comes a lot easier when you understand that everyone is in pain of some sort. Everyone hurts, and hurt people hurt people. What do you do with that except try to be better and be your own fucking hero. Be your own role model.

The burden of my own rage lessened when it became obvious that anyone who had ever harmed me was even more fucked up than me. It wasn’t personal. It was just shitty luck to be amongst them when they acted out their pain. It was just plain bad luck, and a bit of good luck that it didn’t last forever. The Universe is funny that way, silver linings and all.