I’ve been awake for two hours and I’ve not touched a bit of news yet. It will happen or it will all slosh in over the transom but I really just couldn’t bring myself to wade in purposely. It’s become… well, partly horrifying and partly tedious. That’s what Camus said, isn’t it? The worst part about it is the enduring monotony. A dozen phone calls in yesterday and I realized that I was no longer actually thinking. It was just echoes of the last conversation issuing forth from the hole in my face. The tone was still correct. My “cheerful resignation stiff upper lip” attitude sounded spot on. All words sound hollow and false though when they’ve been spoken enough times. It’s like when “I love you” becomes an impulse rather than expression of emotion, whether or not you are actually feeling the emotion.

Talking about it is already monotonous. People in my personal life start in on it and I emotionally pause and think, “Am I getting paid for this? Because if I’m not I’d rather not continue this line of conversation. It’s not part of my job description so I’d prefer not to.”

I’m a horrible, selfish prick maybe but there you go.

That’s where it stands for now this morning while we all wait for the the next boot to drop.