Back to Seoul this morning with some shoegaze by PARANNOUL. Not seeing any particularly good reason to move on. It’s a struggle day but the music is perfect. It’s a day waking up before dawn and everything hurting and wondering just how seriously I should take the discomfort, but the music is perfect. There are passing thoughts of going to the hospital and seeing if this is it, or if I’m blowing it up in my head, and the music is still perfect. We are born into these flesh caskets that we push around for a while, sometimes decades, and at points they do weird things. They hurt. They give out, no matter how well you care for them.

In case it isn’t obvious, I haven’t really felt well for days. The question remains is it the head impacting the body or the body impacting the head. That’s a hard one to sort out. I’m pushing forward though. And there is a soundtrack. More Korean shoegaze music. Parannoul describes himself as “just a student writing music in my bedroom.” That’s interesting to me. Is it just humility? Or has he decided to do this for now on his path to somewhere else? Is that somewhere else parts unknown or does he have a specific direction that he’s not sharing? He might be just a realist, knowing that this is just what circumstance allows him to do at this point in his life.

Everything else considered, for myself and for him, the music is perfect for right now.

Just a sidebar here, more as a reminder to myself than to anything else, I still need to find another place to live. This situation has long since tilted off-balance and it’s too uneven to be sustainable. It worked until it didn’t. The idea of the process of packing everything up is the hardest part of it all. It will be a month at least of living out of boxes and bags, all the while sustaining the professional life and income. It should, in some ways, be easier than the last time I moved. Being employed helps this time and it’s so strange because I can vividly remember how hopeless it felt the last time, and yet… Well, perhaps the next place will be easier.

I should go through my things and see what I can get rid of. Half of my belongings sit on shelves and in closets and go untouched from one year to the next. Whey do we hold onto things that we don’t touch for years? How much of this stuff surrounding me still has any significance at all? Something to consider, really. Many things to consider.

Ugh. I do not feel well.