This is a year that deserves a lot more attention than I’ve given it, and not only in this space. The problem would be in attempting to identify a common thread that might define the year, or the eleven months so far. We’re getting down to the wire though and that hasn’t really come together. A single unifying theme may not exist. It’s been rather a hodgepodge of terrible, wonderful and a lot of in-between. It may be that it could just be labeled a transition from one thing to another but considering it in that light requires a defining label for 2018 and a direction for 2020.

Uh…

My instinct is to toss the whole process in a giant fuck it and just move back to unfinished 2018 projects and work from there. The memoir should be re-addressed in earnest but it grew so big that it became intimidating. Dogs Dream About The Humans They Love may just be too fucking big. Right now the idea of finishing seems more important than anything it might say, if it says anything at all. That’s not a lack of confidence. It contains some gems, for certain. It’s just that finishing for the sake of finishing has taken the wind out of my sales. It seems pointless. I need to reconnect with the reason for writing it.

What was it anyway?

It’s not fair though to leave 2019 to stand as described a couple weeks ago. That would be dismissive of the events and people involved and that’s not right.

So another placeholder. December is generally a productive month for me in this respect. Watch this space. For the moment also, I’m somewhat disabled by a night of crushing headaches. The vision in my right eye is largely blurred. I’m getting up to go to work but wary of the onset of another blinding flash of pain. It all lends itself to a vibe of uncertainty which to be honest has been hanging over a lot of things. It could just be me picking up on the vibe or the zeitgeist of very uncertain times. No matter where I’m sitting or who I’m with when I leave the house there is an 800 pound gorilla in the corner that nobody wants to discuss with me.

What’s going on with that?

Oh hey, MacGregor! What are you doing for the holidays.

No wait, what about…

You going to see family?

Yah probably, but…

How about this weather?

Okay then, so nobody is going to talk about the gorilla. I wonder if he gets lonely sitting over there in the corner fiddling with himself. Maybe I’ll just go over by myself and talk to him. I must be the only one who doesn’t think it’s weird that he’s sitting over there watching. I’m not afraid. Not of the gorilla, anyway.

I’m not afraid. I will go there.

There’s something else too, but it’s hard to put a finger on. I’ve a strange sense that something very big is about to happen and it may or may not be directly related to our simian friend (the one you won’t acknowledge). Something is off.