That flat, solstice sun isn’t strong enough to burn off the fog this morning. You just can’t trust the fucking Weathermen. This shit might just last all day.

Or not.

Who knows?

Everybody tells me that it just doesn’t feel like Christmas this year and I don’t know if they’re looking to me for an answer or just saying. What does Christmas feel like? What is it supposed to feel like? I grew up thinking the whole world observed or celebrated but then learned that’s just a story. Santa Claus doesn’t deliver presents to Hindus I suppose and Jesus may have been born in the spring and he probably stayed in the ground unless someone was fucking around and moved him.

What is it supposed to feel like anyway?

It doesn’t feel like what I used to wish it did. Don’t get it twisted. That’s a good thing! I’m pretty grateful for the people in my life and I’ll celebrate that now that I know that GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip isn’t going to bring me any real joy. And it’s not that life is easy. Shit happens. Bad shit. Good shit. Grown up shit. It’s just that it’s all easier now that I know the truth and know what to look for.

I’m grateful. I’m not looking for anything special. I’ve got what I need. That’s about it.

Some old thumper stopped me on the street yesterday and asked me if I knew what it would take to bring real “Peace on earth and good will toward men.” It was really tempting to tell the truth, that it would be pretty fucking peaceful when we finally get around to destroying ourselves and there is no more mankind. He said he had a quote from the Bible that tells exactly when and how peace on Earth would happen. Well, pilgrim. I’ve got one too and mine isn’t probably the one you’re referring to but whatever. It’s not a question of being dismissive either. He’s out there thinking he’s helping and I truly admire that. It doesn’t mean he’s right though. The Bible says a lot of shit, and some of the shit contradicts the other shit. Don’t ask me for a book review because it’s kind of a hot mess.

I shook his hand and thanked him and moved on. The thanks were sincere. He was trying to save my soul. How was he to know that my soul has already been saved? He couldn’t know.

How is Christmas supposed to feel? It’s a Wonderful Life is a good movie but being cheerful isn’t the same as being truthful. It’s just being hopeful. That’s all well and good too but there is a Venn Diagram somewhere where the Cheerful and Truthful circles overlap and that space in the middle is called Sometimes. It’s also called Random and you could even call it Lucky. Cheerful and Truthful are still separate circles. Do yourself a favor and shoot for Sometimes and be grateful when you land there. Extra grateful. Then just be grateful the rest of the time that you know the difference. It takes a lot of pressure off of you. Trust me on that. Embrace it all. One side is as good as the other.

Me? I’m sitting here wondering what to have for breakfast and wondering exactly what it might be that I’m feeling is unresolved about 2019. There is no more uncertainty. There are unanswered questions. They may stay that way too and they may actually have to stay that way but they exist. Fucked if I knew what the questions are though, let alone the answers. I know what the questions aren’t though. I don’t need to know what Christmas is supposed to feel like. It feels like it feels. That’s it.

I spoke with my little brother yesterday and asked him how his day was. He was sort of cryptic and said, “Just another day.” He must be deep in it because he didn’t even begin to explain. We understand each other. He’s “feelin’ some kinda way.” His words had that some kinda way smell on them. Easily recognizable. Just a flat, stale odor like what’s left over the day after a holiday cook when the smells in the kitchen are still there but they are no longer good smells. Not bad either, but surely not good. It’s that “time to air shit out” aroma. Open the windows. Or better yet walk outside.

But hey.

More later.