A new year. A new decade. Neither are a good start if you’re carrying shit forward from the prior. It’s clear now though. Resentments you don’t want to admit you have. Baggage you were proud to tell people you had left behind but hadn’t. Of course I say you when I mean I.

Me.

Pride is curious that way. Fake it for appearances sake and who knows? Do people see it anyway? Probably. They can probably hear it knocking around in the back as I pass by. All the resentments and the words left unspoken. All the hurt feelings and the bones of hurt feelings. People living rent free in my head. Dashed expectations.

Blah blah blah.

I really need to sit down and write an honest gratitude list. It’s not that there aren’t plenty of things and people to fill it and it’s clear this morning that I’ve been taking a lot for granted. Old habits die hard and the habit of feeling hard done by is a hard one to break. It’s not going easy. I can play bleeding deacon and talk about forgiveness and letting go but the echoes of the past become vibrations and the vibrations become tremors and make the present unsteady. The Earth is rolling and heaving. And I’m too old for this! I would like to, at some point before I spin off this mortal coil, be truly free and unfettered. It seems unlikely though.

Makes no sense though to sit here and stew in it though. The Crocodiles have given me tools. I know how to use them.

Blah.

Maybe if I just go back to sleep for a little while I can start this day over.