The thing with therapy is that for all the time it takes to crack some baggage open, it takes even more time to unpack what’s found inside. That’s certainly been the case in the history of my own analysis and recovery.
We all know narcissists. It’s unlikely not to with an estimated 5 to 7% of the population afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some of us know them more intimately in others, and in my case for example, are more likely to invite one into our lives. There’s a reason for that, of course, and that is that we probably began our lives with narcissists being key figures in our development. We fall into a pattern of spending most of our time trying to ingratiate ourselves to people (parents, for example) upon whose love, care and tacit approval we depend. Refer back here to the cliched definition of insanity wherein we repeat behavior eternally seeking different outcomes. That’s certainly been the case in my personal history, with so much time being spent bending over backwards to prove my worth, and the necessity of my life and presence in the world to people who are incapable of requiting that devotion.
(It’s okay. I forgive you. Insert smiley face here.)
It’s interesting that I didn’t recognize this pattern for so long, or at least was in abject denial that I was repeating a pattern. That’s what analysis is for though, right? One of the reasons it was beyond consideration to me though could possibly be that I just didn’t see it. It was easier for me to observe narcissistic behavior in men. It manifests differently to some extent, and certainly my relationship to men was always different than to women. It was, with women, much more nuanced as it was couched in culture and bias. This blind spot left me very vulnerable and in examining the history of my relationships there is a very clear pattern of involvement with people who were toxic (to me).
In any event, this is coming off more of a confession and it isn’t so much that as it is an expression of my fascination with power dynamics between people. This is one facet that was brought to light in my own personal journey. What I’ll leave here is simply the synopsis of a study examining the differences between men and women in how NPD manifests.
What rough beast 