But it ain’t all wrong either, is it? Up early, working and productive. That’s the emotional weather forecast for the day.

Someone said this recently: “You hold so much pain inside of you. It’s like bottomless. It just goes and goes and goes, and there’s always more, it seems.”

I had to think about that a bit. It’s really kind of bullshit, but to be fair, we appear as what we show. My vocabulary for pain or sorrow is somewhat more developed, and on top of that, I’ve realized that I can be selfish with my joy. That’s probably a habit picked up early on living among unhappy people. You express joy to people who have little to none, and they’re going to catch a resentment or two and do their best to fuck it up. 

The reality of the situation, or my situation as it may be, is that I don’t hold on to pain anymore than I hold on to joy. When you hold on to pain, it’s going to fester and kill you. I say that from experience. If you hold on too hard to joy, there’s a risk that it turns into nostalgia. Now, a little bit of nostalgia is all well and good, but you can’t let it become the yardstick with which you measure everything that happens after that. You end up constipated in a cycle of compare and despair. So experience, and move the fuck on. It’s a big ol’ world and there is a lot more to experience. 

And when you hold on too tightly to joy in the moment, you risk strangling it and then you’re going to be all fucked up over it. So take a bit of time and think about what moves you made that led you to joy and try to repeat them. Sometimes it’s just about being open and willing. 

Joy and happiness and pain and sorrow and all the other emotions are like clouds. No matter how good or bad you feel at any given moment, it’s going to change. That’s just the way it goes. 

So it probably does appear to someone outside my head and heart that I hold onto pain, but there’s kind of an explanation to that. I’ve stopped running from pain. Quite the opposite… I mean, I don’t run TO pain, but when it happens I’m fairly well committed to letting it run its course. It’s like getting a walloping case of influenza. You try to do things to lessen the impact. You take care of yourself. You wait it out. 

Similarly I don’t chase joy. You rarely end up with joy itself but maybe some sense of euphoria, and it’s almost always bullshit (my favorite word today). Someone asked me two questions once:

1. Think about the five best things that ever happened to you. Did you make them happen? 
2. Think about the five worst things that ever happened to you. Did you       make them happen?

The answers are No, and Yes, in that order. It’s not like I sit back and let life happen, though I have certainly done that for extended periods of time. Then I got sober and grew the fuck up. It’s more a question of being committed fully to experiencing life on life’s terms. It’s not like you have no control at all but you get what you get sometimes. 

I don’t know if I’ve actually explained myself, but bottomless? On and on? More? Nah, sorry kid. I admit I’ve got an intimate relationship with the feelings that some people do their best to avoid, but everything good in my life and the value I place on it is informed by the bad, and vice versa. That’s just how it is. I don’t believe in having platonic relationships with your own feelings.