Burning out…

I’ve slowed down with the COVID things because much the way Camus said it would be, it’s just become monotonous. It was also painfully clear that the daily posts had very little to do with the virus and everything to do with me.

Monotony, which really means having one single tone, like a drone…

There are people out there who are actually doing the work and they are the ones that are most at risk for exhaustion and burning out. Emergency room doctors and nurses already had a high risk for depression, anxiety, addition and suicide. These last two months must’ve been an absolute hell for those already in the firing line. One in the trenches since the beginning reached her breaking point recently:

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/e-r-doctor-front-lines-coronavirus-fight-n-y-reportedly-n1193701

It’s fucking tragic. I know people that knew her and worked with her. They’ve never had anything but wonderful things to say. She just couldn’t see the end of it. That’s not to say there is no end and I don’t believe her suicide is a reflection on the hopelessness of the situation. It says everything though about the casualties and losses that will go beyond people who succumb to the virus. There is an emotional toll. There is time that people will never get back in an already very short time here on this planet.

Mostly though it’s the emotional toll and I can’t continue to talk about the emotional toll on me. I’ve been selfish with that and won’t continue. It really began because I wanted to find some lesson in all this. I wanted to find some way to come out stronger and smarter but maybe it doesn’t require all that much thought and nothing is going to be learned while my head is stuck up my own ass.

On a side note, though I just said I wasn’t going to do this, I didn’t go to the ER yesterday. I was afraid not only of what I would see there or be exposed to there. We’ll get into the other fears at another time. I’ll go get checked out today. The ER or Urgent Care is the only way to get seen by a doctor right now unfortunately.

Blah.

Sorry Dr. Breen. Thanks for trying. I wish you could have seen light at the end of the tunnel, even though most of us are just running on faith that it’s there.

I’m sorry.