How fucking scary and odd has 2020 been that it brought me to techno? Maybe there’s just never been enough time. Paying the bills can be a hell of a distraction.
The holiday weekend has been an odd one. I’ve covered over 30 miles on foot since Friday morning, which isn’t such an oddity for me. It’s the quality of the time that’s different though. It’s been almost a focused meditation and in that respect helpful and productive. In other respects though it’s been rather frightening. I found myself in a bitter place last night, having realized that… what are the best words? Who does the go-to guy go to when people are accustomed to an entirely different role? I came to the realization (again) that the go-to guy, the one that people come to in crisis, goes to himself. There is nobody else when everyone has fallen into the opposite role. I don’t know that I’m being clear, but I’m okay. Or I will be okay. There is nothing anyone can say anyway. I just felt for a minute like I needed a shoulder. And it’s not like there aren’t a couple people who are willing but when I’ve turned to them in the past the conversation always goes back to them. Like:
Oh, that’s too bad. I understand. Let’s talk about what I’m going through.
I get it. It’s the role that they’re used to. I’m not bitter this morning, at any rate. People must think I’m stronger than I am though. That is ironic.
Anyway, from knowledge to acceptance and that’s all there is to it. I’m okay.