This quote: Prolific UK producer Sangam creates ambient portraits of social dysfunction, depression and heartbreak. – The Wire Magazine

I have to wonder if he stands by that description. Ambient music (or any music, really) is strange. It can signify anything you want it to, entirely dependent upon the mood of the listener. What is it for me? Well, this morning it would just be a quiet, moody morning vibe. Neither sad, nor happy. Decidedly somewhere between with a mix of both extremes filtering in and out. I fell asleep last night listening to a compilation of his music. I can’t say it helped or hindered. There were no memorable dreams and didn’t change my mood in any way. That’s not to say that the sounds are bland. They’re really quite smooth and pleasant.

Social dysfunction, depression and heartbreak? Sure, why not. We all go through those spells.

I may be right in the middle of one of those spells now, but not in any crushing sense. It’s a low-key depression with an embroidery of social anxiety. It’s half lament that another summer has passed, with some trepidation of what the new season will bring. It’s half loneliness colored by an inability to be around people or relate on any meaningful level. It’s wanting to have long sprawling conversations balanced by wanting to remain silent and in silence. It’s a liminal space. My own personal season is changing. I want to drift off and go through my own metamorphosis without the pressure of witnesses. I’ve canceled social engagements and dates and my general mood could be described as avoidant. It’s not fair to others but I can’t seem to pull off and diverge from this course.

A liminal space…

Somewhere between I want and I don’t want. Perhaps it’s a question of wanting to be finally free of any expectations whatsoever. How very strange…. Even the choice of ambient music. It asks for no active engagement. I could listen or not listen. It could be immersive, or merely background sound. I’m reminded of the discussion I posted recently, on how this latest spell with the pandemic is a group psychedelic experience. That about describes it. It’s been a voyage. There are other people aboard but for each of us it’s an individual trip as well.

I don’t know. I feel strange. A friend is angry at me because I’ve not been present at all. She feels rejected and I don’t know how to explain whats happening and why I need this space. I don’t fully understand it myself so the words just aren’t there. It’s not even a choice though. It’s a space I’ve found myself in and I need to figure it out. Depression is never a choice though, and this is probably a sort of depression. It’s not been a choice. I can say this though; for once in my life I’m respecting the space and not trying to run from it or hide in social distractions. That would contribute to the sadness and exhaustion.

I will wander this liminal space for now until I find not only the door, but the right door.