Radio Quarantine -Atmospheric Dub Techno Mix – Dark, Deep and Heavy 5

September 2020 Youtube mix by Harrison Divecha

Beautiful photo… I’d have guessed New York City except for the Los Angeles area code on the sign, and the rain. You don’t often get to see a rainy night in Los Angeles. That’s not how we usually see it, is it? I guess it does rain in Southern California. But rain will give any city a very different vibe, even if it rains every damn day.

I’m in a particularly dark mood this morning, for no apparent reason. There are those who know me who might argue that a reason is rarely required with me but that’s not exactly true. No apparent reason isn’t the same as no reason at all. There is a world of difference there. Something is off though, and it’s not quite apparent what it is. Yet… It will make itself known at some inconvenient point in time. For now though there is music.

I had an interesting conversation yesterday about the tendency (of us all) to hide one unpleasant emotion behind another because though both are bad, one is easier than the other to deal with. It’s not an unfamiliar topic insofar as it’s something I’ve confronted in my own healing and recovery but it’s a rare opportunity to discuss it frankly with another person. For me it was always a question, for example of wrapping grief in a ball of rage, both to protect myself from the grief and the cause of the grief, and from a misplaced sense of loyalty to the people who brought the grief upon me. Dark, dirty secrets… like the supposed shame of grieving for one’s self and one’s suffering. To admit suffering and to place blame somehow seemed like it implied weakness. For her, quite the opposite, a hard shell of grief to conceal her anger towards other people for hurting her. Then they went and passed on before she could reconcile the anger. She was busy with other things. Holding other peoples’ lives together.

The details of this conversation, and implications, could fill a book. There is no time nor room for a book here. Suffice to say it’s a conversation that you rarely get to have with another person outside of a therapeutic session. Did it open a can of worms? Is that what brought upon the feelings this morning? Is that what it’s about today? Maybe partly, but there is something else, unless I’m wrong and falsely believe I’ve already unpacked all that. There is no way to be 100% sure without more time for consideration. Time is a luxury on a Monday morning with work less than an hour away.

Dark, deep and heavy… more than just this dub techno mix.

Feelings… I got “the feels.” There are things that men don’t openly admit also, and that is to great detriment. I went to sleep early last night, not because I was physically tired but I felt emotionally weary. I felt lonely. I rolled over into a pile of pillows and wondered when was the last time I fell asleep holding someone other than my silly, smelly, old dog. It’s been a while, and while the honesty is flowing here it’s something I miss. I am somewhat lonely, not in a sweeping existential sense but there are moments. It’s never quite strong enough to drive any kind of action. It’s not something that pushes me out to contact just for the sake of fulfilling my own sense of need. Using people is, after all, a form of using. Sure we are all hardwired for that sense of security but there are other priorities… like making sure these hardwired needs aren’t drawn out of proportion to the point of exploiting someone else’s loneliness, for example. There are things to sort out to ensure there are no any safe port in the storm scenarios.

It feels better just putting these words out into space. I’m okay for now. I really am. Still not sure what is creating this sense of unsettledness, but I’m okay.

So for now…

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