Black Marble again… They’ve got something. A kind of faraway thing like feelings you’ve pushed as far away as possible but are still unable to let go of. That’s fitting. They fade but they’re still there in the distance like stars. They may burn out eventually but the light will still be seen from Earth when they’re long dead and gone. Other people will be looking up and seeing them and talking about the when you’re long gone.

Hauntology… nostalgia for a future that never came to be. I keep coming back to that. All these feelings have been here all along but like the stars I never looked up and saw them. There were other things to distract myself while pushing these far out where it was easier to ignore them. Why not just let go of things that hurt? Maybe they are mementos or souvenirs, like reminders of times when there was joy and hope. Like… ahhhh my life was fun then. There was joy. There was hope. Someone said they loved me and I believed it. Hold onto them like trinkets from a long ago holiday somewhere beautiful, or love letters in a box in the back of the closet. Does it hurt more to throw them away and erase the memory, or to keep them around and look at them now and then?

I’m a sentimental creature. It’s not a question of wanting the time back or the people back. It’s about knowing it all existed in the first place. That means ostensibly it could happen again if I allow it. Or not. I wonder what mementos of today that I’ll keep and remember fondly? Of course none if an entire day is spent reminiscing. Nostalgia is a sticky trap. I’ve always said that. Nearly forty years ago I asked a friend what we will talk about in twenty years if we spend all our days talking about how great things used to be. He didn’t seem to understand and looked at me like there was something wrong with me. He asked me, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

I’m talking about doing something today. Everything you’re talking about happened a long, long time ago. It’s over. It was fun. It was great. It’s over and done.

I still hold onto everything though. I just don’t think about it as much, but it will always be there as long as I am here.