One of the comments says merely, “true evil.”
I don’t know about all that but it’s dark as hell. It could easily be used to soundtrack something from the Saw or Hostel franchises. It’s not easy listening, but who the hell needs easy listening? Hefty has found his place in the world making music for people who aren’t concerned with relaxation or “chilling out.”
Sometimes I chill out. Sometimes I don’t. It doesn’t feel like a chilled out morning. It doesn’t necessarily feel bad but rather than meditation today, maybe more of an exorcism is in order. If you’re going to get rid of your demon, you’re going to have to confront it head on.
The 1st of December did catch me by surprise. I knew it was coming but flipping the phone on and seeing the date was still somewhat jarring. The individual days, for the most part, have dragged. There are countless times I’ve looked at the clock, believing that hours had passed, and it was maybe 15 minutes or less. Yet the calendar swings around like a baseball bat and dates jump out of nowhere. Surprise! You just lost a month!
Can I have it back? Or part of it?
No worries. It’s funny too, as much as it is somewhat disturbing. Time is an abstract. It’s a linear measure lain alongside one’s sense of perception, which is rarely linear. The two almost never add up for even a close match. It’s all good. You’ve got a beginning and an end. There is Point A and there is Point B and you’re never really going to know where Point B is. You don’t have to. It knows where you are.
Insert giant laughing emoji here, tears rolling down the cheeks and all that.
And still, while able to let go of that sense of surprise at the date, there is that one last nagging feeling of pending something. That waiting for the next boot to drop. It’s a feeling that’s lingered in recent months. It’s been difficult to pinpoint and it could be as simple as just the moody anxiety of being locked in place with nowhere to go. It’s been smooth enough, but… but… but… How long is it going to go on like this? How should I change the situation before someone else changes it for me? Will someone change it for me? Or is just all nervous energy and insecurity having a go at me? Time will tell. Twisted, distorted, crawling and racing time will tell.
It’s a strange, old world in or out of time. I was approached yesterday by an 18 year old girl, whom I don’t know at all, who said to me that she is looking for an “arrangement.” She did the little quotations thing to accent the world arrangement. She said she is looking for someone to take care of her. My first thought was holy shit it’s really fucking funny that you thought I may be that person, but the 2 in the 1-2 punch was the following though, which was holy shit girl you are reaching out into very dangerous territory. She was casual enough in her demeanor that it was really unclear, thinking about it afterwards, whether she is desperate or just lazy. I don’t know which. I don’t care which. I am frightened for her, but not to the point where I’m going to come to any sort of agreement or arrangement with her or anyone. There are enough people in danger in the world… enough people in desperate situations… that I long ago gave up on the thought that any of them will find salvation in me. So I was forthright… darling, I’m flattered that you would ask but you are barking up the wrong tree. Take care of yourself. It’s safer that way. It was so incredibly unsettling but… But what? I don’t know. I ran away, with zero regret.