It may say something about my mood that I’m ready to argue the validity of the name, DEPRESSIVE SILENCE, given that they aren’t exactly silent… and that silence has very rarely been depressive fr me. Oppressive at points, but depressive? But again, that’s probably more about my mood than anything. It took a bit this morning to find anything listenable. Not just appropriate but bearable. Health could be better. I’m uncomfortable and irritable. I should just stick with the music.
Semi-related, I’m trying to ease into the idea of celebrating birthdays, or rather my own, but it’s not coming easily. There are fewer left also so it seems odd to start now, but it’s more about other people. I’m really trying to be open but it’s not coming easily. Should I say that again? It’s not coming easily. It has little or nothing to do with the age. Turning sixty isn’t a big deal. It’s not an age I expected to make so I’m grateful that I’m still having some laughs long after having reached peak expectancy, but… It’s not that big a deal. My preference would be to have the day come and go without marking it but people never believe me and think it’s an act of self-deprivation or denying my worth or self-loathing.
It just plain isn’t. There is a rather wide expanse between self-loathing and not thinking so much about it. It wouldn’t even get mention if not for the expectations of others for me to celebrate. This all makes me sound ungrateful.
I just don’t feel well and that’s all this is about.
I should shut up.
Even this music is annoying me. I could use some silence.