I’m getting tired of posting photos of my face and that was never my intention, so let’s just go with this:

1. Intrusive thoughts such as repeated, involuntary memories; distressing dreams; or flashbacks of the traumatic event. Flashbacks may be so vivid that people feel they are re-living the traumatic experience or seeing it before their eyes.
2. Avoiding reminders of the traumatic event may include avoiding people, places, activities, objects and situations that bring on distressing memories. People may try to avoid remembering or thinking about the traumatic event. They may resist talking about what happened or how they feel about it.
3. Negative thoughts and feelings may include ongoing and distorted beliefs about oneself or others (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted”); ongoing fear, horror, anger, guilt or shame; much less interest in activities previously enjoyed; or feeling detached or estranged from others.
4. Arousal and reactive symptoms may include being irritable and having angry outbursts; behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way; being easily startled; or having problems concentrating or sleeping.

This may help explain what’s been happening in the last week or so. It’s a list of symptoms of PTSD from a page on the American Psychiatric Association site. It’s the same list for as Acute Stress Disorder, which also follows either experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event or series of events. The difference, as they lay it out, is the endurance of the symptoms. It’s only diagnosed as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder if it persists beyond 30 days. They’ve more or less abated with me in less than a week, at least for now. The “intrusive thoughts” had damn near put me over the edge. That’s what I was on about in earlier posts. It was the intrusive thoughts.

The worrisome part is that I had the very same intrusive thoughts prior to the accident last week. True, it’s been quite some time, but it still troubles me. It troubles me enough that I’ll be looking for some help with this in the immediate future. There is no room in my life where this sort of vulnerability is viable. There is no telling what could happen even today that my trigger it again. So where today I feel confident that navigating the outside world isn’t really an issue, one simply never knows what could happen when you walk outside.

And while I do have a support network to call upon if I need a bit of emotional support, it has some serious limitations. They will sit with me. They will talk to me. They will offer kind words and good advice. Rent and bills aren’t part of that package though. Beyond the kind words and a friendly shoulder to cry on, I’m on my own out here in this mess.

Time to get real help.