I can’t say I was familiar with his previous acts, Uniform and Drunkdriver, the latter perhaps by reputation, but this Michael Berdan release feels right. It seems like what I’ve been searching for for days now. It’s got the right something. It matches the tone of the times. It’s dark and feels a little dangerous. Maybe toxic.
That sort of begs the question, why the fuck would anyone be looking for something that sounds toxic? Well, it’s something to do with art imitating life and that may matter to you or it may not. It matters to me. Shit doesn’t have to be pretty. if you always want to be soothed or numbed, there are drugs for that. If you want something real, try art. If it’s just about creating a relaxed mood, you can try your wallpaper.
Frankly, it would be a lie to say that this only reflects the external world. It’s a fair statement on my own state of affairs these last few days. Gut health or mental health or a combination of both has me in a state. Toxic would be a fair description. I reached a state of exhaustion before bed last night that was reaching into disassociation and when I laid down in bed I actually sobbed. It may have been a gasp of relief. Not quite certain which it was, really but the tears came. Not a lot but they came. A violent headache followed and I moved through that until I got home this morning, whereupon I worked for a bit and passed out. I’ve no clue what the sense of sadness was about or from whence it came but it did.
Or maybe just emotional exhaustion. Sometimes it’s just wearying to pretend to be okay and that’s what leaving the house entails. Many of us are still adjusting to be back in public again. Count me among those for whom it’s been a difficult transition. Staying home by myself was quite easy for me. That’s been no secret in this space. It was a time of personal revelation and tremendous growth. Yet one thing that was revealed was a penchant for reclusiveness. Who know? The opportunity to live that way will probably never come again and acclimating to the old ways has been hard.
So it may be that.
Or maybe just built up grief. There is a lot to grieve for, even beyond events and losses that I never gave myself the space to process. I’m just not sure.
This album though touches something and it feels like I feel today, for better or for worse. This is where things are today.