This is hardly a party mix or maybe it would be more accurate to say that there is very little in the mix that anyone would associate with a party. Maybe a classy wake? Do people have music at wakes? If not, they should. I’ve been to quite a few that could only be… eased… with some kind of background music. The pall of gray silence hanging between hushed voices is horrifying.
Anyway… I wouldn’t call this a party mix. It’s not particularly dark or depressing either, but it’s not Walking On Sunshine. It’s chill and reflective. Is that my mood today? Not really, but this is good nonetheless. My mood isn’t all that important to anyone but me, and even me… Even me.
I can remember so many afternoons, like the image above, lying flat on the rug, listening to music. Letting it wash over me. Then floating on it. Living in those moments.
I can’t escape the feeling this morning, the same feeling I’ve had for days now, that I’m out on a limb in a way. Up on a tightrope with no net and a stiff breeze picking up.
More precisely, that I’m being lied to, either outright lies or egregious sins of omission. It may just be me. It is very likely just me. Self doubt perhaps, having grown so accustomed to settling for less than transparency that trust in others has become difficult. It’s a rough way to live because you just walk around waiting for the next boot to drop. And it may or it may not but some days it’s easier to let go and accept that it’s every bit as likely that there is nothing to worry about. But fight or flight, an instinct and then a trained response harking back to times when there was less control over outcomes. You are what you are used to, you know? Until you get used to being something new. That can happen, but there are surely lapses where you feel like you are back in the shit. That’s where I’ve been for days now. Fight or flight. Hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
But trust your Higher Power, is what the Crocodiles day, whatever your higher power is. I feel like my higher power has mostly been resilience. I get knocked down and I get up and shake it off and keep moving. My higher power has been the knowledge that injuries heal. They may leave scars but they do heal. The key now is to trust that the injury may never come, if that trust is possible.
Anyway, I’m off to a wedding today. I don’t know that I’m really emotionally up for people-ing but I do know that I’m not up for another day squirreled away with these thoughts. Whatever happens has to be better than being holed up with my doubts, self-doubt and otherwise.