Something a little different today… I don’t know what you want to call it. Jazz? Experimental? The tags on Bandcamp aren’t helpful but for better for for worse, Anadol is a trip! I’ll take the “for better” side of the coin and run with it. And unlike what usually gets labelled experimental, Felicita is played mostly on traditional instruments. It’s not an electronic hash. It’s not ambient. It’s not New Age or Vaporwave or this wave or that wave. It’s just kind of a cool mindfuck. Let’s just call it that and have fun. Happy Thursday too.

This is a much friendlier mindfuck than I’m used to lately also. Not to be obtuse but dealing with my own neuroses and mental quirks is a lot easier than dealing with the neuroses and mental illness of others. I’ll leave the specifics out of it out of respect for the privacy of those I’m having difficulty navigating, but I’ll say that my fight or flight instincts are triggered and I’m kind of sizzled from not letting these worst instincts take over. Sometimes the best choice is to stand in one place and deal with it, or to keep stepping forward through it even when you don’t see the exit that you’re certain is on the other side. Again, I’m not trying to be mysterious. I’m just saying that sometimes you’re going to find yourself in a place where everyone around you is going through shit and you might think that the best solution to dealing with their crazy is to leave and not deal with it at all, or to knock them on their asses and keep moving.

(Narrator’s voice: This is not the best solution.)

So you lean in and push through slowly. You push to the point of exhaustion, taking hourly inventories and charting progression and mapping the route to the exit and making adjustments as necessary to stay on course. Again, not trying to be mysterious. This is just life sometimes. It’s not always shits and giggles. You have to resist the urge to respond to triggers. Sometimes you can’t punch your way beyond it, and you can’t turn around and run.

This is the tiring part, okay?

This is the real war, in a way. I’m not comparing my trials and tribulations to those struggling in Kiev, but all that is so much bigger than I am. It does make me sad. And it makes me fearful that it could escalate beyond the existing borders, and in some ways it does set all of us up for a bigger conflict down the line. Something bigger is inevitable as those impacted now are going to carry the issues this has created with them. There will be a ripple effect across the geo-political realm and there will be an equal and opposite reaction to this action. It’s social physics.

No, I’m just talking about personal things though. The trouble with being human, so to speak. For some reason I thought it would all be somehow easier at this point, and that I wouldn’t be battling my inclination to go out in a blaze of glory, or just run far away. That’s why I’m tired. What can I change that would make these feelings disappear? What do I need to do? That’s the question because clearly the things I’ve done up to now aren’t working anymore, even if they ever actually did more than basic maintenance.

Selah.