There really hasn’t been all that many rainy, melancholic afternoons lately. None that I can recall in the last several months. And what would I have done with one anyway. It’s easy enough to be alone but hard to actually feel alone. There’s always some busy, anxious noise around me. Busy minds for not so busy people and that creates its own gravity that pulls my attention down into the hole. No, it’s hard to feel alone, or rather to find solitude and solace. It’s mostly in these early hours that it comes in brief snatches. I’m feeling the absence of absence, if that makes sense. I need to withdraw a bit and find my level place, where I recharge my desire for company and attention. It’s not a lack of gratitude. It’s just a lack of energy and that leads to a lack of focus.
To be hidden in a car on a Saturday afternoon, far away from Monday, on a rainy day. Parked in some remote overlook off the highway, listening to the rain pelt the roof the car and splash in the puddles. The hiss of wet tires out on the interstate. The radio is turned off. It’s only these sounds and my chest rising and falling with each breath. Nobody but me.
Nobody but me.
To recharge and feel the capacity to love again, and re-up the desire for company and comfort.
But it did strike me last night how woefully short life is, and how few opportunities there are to express a good feeling. Every opportunity to tell another person that they are shining is vital, like hey, that was really thoughtful and insightful. I appreciate that and I appreciate you saying it. Or, wow that was really good. How did you create something so magical and wonderful? You are really clever and I admire that about you. Or something simple like, you look especially beautiful tonight. I just want to tell you that. You don’t have to respond. It would be better if you didn’t. But you should know that you do.
Life is short. Tell someone that they are shining when you witness it, okay? Tell them!
And take the time to sit someplace alone and listen to the rain. You’ll find something there that can make it so you never again feel lonely when you’re alone. It’s like someone is whispering to you between the raindrops. It’s real and it’s there between the flat slaps of the rain and the hiss of the distant tires.
You are special.
You are better than okay.
You are not just good enough. You are good.